Reading and Growing

Over the past year, I have done a lot of self-awareness work. Both my father-in-law and my father passed away a year ago, only two weeks apart. My marriage was on difficult ground after my husband’s accident, and a long recovery meant staying away from home for months. A hobby I was coming to enjoy with new friendships experienced interpersonal issues and died away. I didn’t feel like myself for a long time. The whole first half of the year was full of pain, grief, anguish, betrayal, loneliness, resentment, depression, anxiety, and a loss for who I was anymore. It was a field of grey. My experience was grey. Eating was grey. Nothing made me smile. Joy was difficult to perceive.

I started listening to audiobooks on Audible concerning personal development.

The Mountain is You by Brianna Wiest
The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitake Koga
We Need Your Art by Amie McNee
The High Five Habit by Mel Robbins
Steal Like an Artist Trilogy by Austin Kleon

I also listened to fantasy series such as

The Dresden Files series by Jim Butcher
The Founding of Valdemar series by Mercedes Lackey
Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros

I crocheted. I listened. I played Animal Crossing, Fae Farm, and Dreamlight Valley on the Nintendo Switch. Something I could do repetitive things like gathering resources, filling quest logs, or growing gardens. I suppose it is still a to-do list, but there is the dopamine reward thing as I earn virtual rewards.
I also began with Finch app with my family. It is a self care app where you raise a little bird, go on adventures, check off tasks as you do them like drinking more water, going for a walk, or scooping the cat litter. Use the rewards for virtual costumes, furniture, or flights to Prague. My daughter had the best streak out of all of us. Every single day for almost a year. Then her tablet broke, and kids’ profiles don’t transfer app progress to a new device.

As I spend time rewiring my brain, healing, and learning about leaning in, I am beginning to understand things. I think there is really something about getting to 40 that crystallizes understanding about the world. I feel that wisdom that only comes with time, attention, and contemplation.

I am coming to understand perfectionism. What it means to be Human. When Mel Robbins talks about some behaviors “just being human” I was stunned. Some kind of tightness in my chest let go of this perfectionism. I could breathe because these things I had been feeling were just part of being a human being. And that’s ok.

It was such a profound realization for me.

Just human.

I felt like I had permission to make mistakes. To feel my feelings. That there wasn’t something flawed in me, I was simply a person with an imperfect brain and emotions that run around, or run the show if I let them.

Feelings + Thoughts = Actions

Change one or all, and you change your life.

I used the phrase, “I’m not thinking about that.” Anytime I started to marinate in my past mistakes and situations I wish I could have shown up differently for, I would say those words, “I’m not thinking about that.” It faded. I was able to move on instead of getting caught in that rut.

I started to show up differently at work. It wasn’t my job to control another person’s emotions. I can control mine. Their emotions tell me more about them than they do about me. When I could take that step back, it was revealing. I could control my emotions better because I had let them have their feelings.

I worked on how I responded. I worked on my own feelings.

I started looking into somatic breathing techniques. Activation like putting your hand over your heart to help slow down the nervous system overload. It triggers a hug response from the parasympathetic nervous system. I pulled myself out of panic attacks doing this.

I found The Platinum Giraffe on Instagram and her videos are very funny, and filled with how to slow down that anxiety train. Watching her really helped me understand the nervous system’s effect on anxiety.

I breathed. Simple thing, right? But pay attention. 4 7 8
Breathe In 2, 3, 4
Hold 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
Breathe Out 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
Calm that big Vagus Nerve
(The Ohio State Medical Center)

Another technique: Double In and Flush
Double Inhale 1, 2 through the nose
Long Exhale out the mouth
1 minute longm overwhelm
(Dr. Russel Kennedy)
We do this already whenever we are really upset and crying.

I am building a tool box. Sometimes when I am really upset, it is hard to remember. I have to calm my nervous system first, and it has to be simple. I think that’s why these techniques work so well.

I will continue to listen to these amazing people who write to inspire others. Their dedication to bringing a voice to things I never quite understood or considered has helped me grow. I look forward to learning more.

Thank you for your service

Today I am posting about my thoughts from yesterday’s experience. One of the interesting things about working with the public is I have no idea what I’m going to get that day. I work as an optician which is basically like a pharmacist for glasses. I fix them, diagnose what is wrong, and translate eyeglass refractions into lens options that serve the patient in their daily life. The community I have grown up in has a large concentration of retirees and veterans. Most of the help the rural communities need is in the town I work in. I had an unexpected interaction with a gentleman looking for AR night driving glasses. We had a good conversation about how they work, what the options were, and general plans for the day. I noticed his hat that read “Vietnam Veteran” with the logo. I said, “Thank you for your service” which is something I do for all our veterans when I get a chance to help them with their eyewear. This gentleman stopped and looked at me like he’d not heard that much in his life.

He told me about his experience as a veteran during the time of the Vietnam war. He wasn’t treated as someone worth anything for many years. Not over there or here when he got back. His experience coming home was Americans waiting to throw feces at him as he disembarked the plane. They called him “baby killer” and worse. He told me about having to make the impossible decision to choose between himself and a child with C4 and a metal plate strapped to their back, delirious with heroin in their systems. There is not an easy choice. War crimes are impossible to fathom much less live through witnessing.

Nightmares plagued him for years. Agent Orange gives him unsteady hands. American citizens treating him like dirt for serving. Only recently did he get full disability from the VA. He is now the last man in his unit alive today.

I didn’t live during the time of the Vietnam war. My father was in the military at the time, but could not go because he had flat feet. He was sad about that because he wanted to serve. This veteran reckons he was blessed not to have gone. I would have to agree.

There was silence in the room as he spoke. There were others there who didn’t know they would be witnesses to our history in real time. Their expressions were horrified. I hugged him and held his hand as he expressed thanks for being honored for his service. He said it melts his heart to be told that now when he was shunned before.

There are so many complex emotions wrapped up around service members, wars, deployments, and conflict. If you choose to serve, I thank you for being brave enough to put your life out there. I cannot comprehend the full weight of that decision because I have never had to make it. I do understand I am lucky to not have to make it.

So, as we go into Veteran’s Day and remember those who have served and are serving, thank you. I hope you have a blessed day. And if you are eligible for services at the VA, I can tell you it has gotten better. Please consider their programs and resources that you have earned.

Pour painting: So relaxing!

There are several neat factors to acrylic pour painting. Picking out the colors that harmonize so well, watching the paint move around the canvas, heating the bubbles with the heat gun, and waiting for the paint to dry. Did it all work out? Was my table uneven?