Reading and Growing

Over the past year, I have done a lot of self-awareness work. Both my father-in-law and my father passed away a year ago, only two weeks apart. My marriage was on difficult ground after my husband’s accident, and a long recovery meant staying away from home for months. A hobby I was coming to enjoy with new friendships experienced interpersonal issues and died away. I didn’t feel like myself for a long time. The whole first half of the year was full of pain, grief, anguish, betrayal, loneliness, resentment, depression, anxiety, and a loss for who I was anymore. It was a field of grey. My experience was grey. Eating was grey. Nothing made me smile. Joy was difficult to perceive.

I started listening to audiobooks on Audible concerning personal development.

The Mountain is You by Brianna Wiest
The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitake Koga
We Need Your Art by Amie McNee
The High Five Habit by Mel Robbins
Steal Like an Artist Trilogy by Austin Kleon

I also listened to fantasy series such as

The Dresden Files series by Jim Butcher
The Founding of Valdemar series by Mercedes Lackey
Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros

I crocheted. I listened. I played Animal Crossing, Fae Farm, and Dreamlight Valley on the Nintendo Switch. Something I could do repetitive things like gathering resources, filling quest logs, or growing gardens. I suppose it is still a to-do list, but there is the dopamine reward thing as I earn virtual rewards.
I also began with Finch app with my family. It is a self care app where you raise a little bird, go on adventures, check off tasks as you do them like drinking more water, going for a walk, or scooping the cat litter. Use the rewards for virtual costumes, furniture, or flights to Prague. My daughter had the best streak out of all of us. Every single day for almost a year. Then her tablet broke, and kids’ profiles don’t transfer app progress to a new device.

As I spend time rewiring my brain, healing, and learning about leaning in, I am beginning to understand things. I think there is really something about getting to 40 that crystallizes understanding about the world. I feel that wisdom that only comes with time, attention, and contemplation.

I am coming to understand perfectionism. What it means to be Human. When Mel Robbins talks about some behaviors “just being human” I was stunned. Some kind of tightness in my chest let go of this perfectionism. I could breathe because these things I had been feeling were just part of being a human being. And that’s ok.

It was such a profound realization for me.

Just human.

I felt like I had permission to make mistakes. To feel my feelings. That there wasn’t something flawed in me, I was simply a person with an imperfect brain and emotions that run around, or run the show if I let them.

Feelings + Thoughts = Actions

Change one or all, and you change your life.

I used the phrase, “I’m not thinking about that.” Anytime I started to marinate in my past mistakes and situations I wish I could have shown up differently for, I would say those words, “I’m not thinking about that.” It faded. I was able to move on instead of getting caught in that rut.

I started to show up differently at work. It wasn’t my job to control another person’s emotions. I can control mine. Their emotions tell me more about them than they do about me. When I could take that step back, it was revealing. I could control my emotions better because I had let them have their feelings.

I worked on how I responded. I worked on my own feelings.

I started looking into somatic breathing techniques. Activation like putting your hand over your heart to help slow down the nervous system overload. It triggers a hug response from the parasympathetic nervous system. I pulled myself out of panic attacks doing this.

I found The Platinum Giraffe on Instagram and her videos are very funny, and filled with how to slow down that anxiety train. Watching her really helped me understand the nervous system’s effect on anxiety.

I breathed. Simple thing, right? But pay attention. 4 7 8
Breathe In 2, 3, 4
Hold 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
Breathe Out 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
Calm that big Vagus Nerve
(The Ohio State Medical Center)

Another technique: Double In and Flush
Double Inhale 1, 2 through the nose
Long Exhale out the mouth
1 minute longm overwhelm
(Dr. Russel Kennedy)
We do this already whenever we are really upset and crying.

I am building a tool box. Sometimes when I am really upset, it is hard to remember. I have to calm my nervous system first, and it has to be simple. I think that’s why these techniques work so well.

I will continue to listen to these amazing people who write to inspire others. Their dedication to bringing a voice to things I never quite understood or considered has helped me grow. I look forward to learning more.